overdraft oasis…

   august is on us , the heat continues to build , but relief is in sight… i’m not talking about september… the reprieve will be much sooner than that.  this week end, sunday afternoon , is the annual tommy fenotee prime-cut appreciation festival…it’s a free-loaders dream come true..

   you can beat the heat at the state park , listening to all those reflective tales from veteran drinkers and borderline outlaws that frequent the free watering hole and chow line..there’s an outside possibility you may get to personally meet the world renouned german square-head from muenster texas , herkie biffle , or the much blogged about beer drinkin judges daughter…you just never know who might show-up , then suite-up , to quinch their thirst and provide fodder for future blogs !

   there will be non-stop red-neck entertainment… margaretta machines in the shade…live music by some local c&w band… horse troughs full of ice cold premium barley hops… a heart stopping stunt pilot to make  your pulse race… tons of free groceries served buffet style under coy’s funeral-home tent…

    i think tom said the gates open at four , but the party starts in earnest about six… you can rub elbows with the cream of the banking industry or their wine sippin better halves , or some local derelict on probation for beating his wife….they’ll all be there…  the entire gammet of prominent pillars and social mis-fits… recovering alcoholics and t-totalers sitting side by side on the banks of o’neal lake…

   it takes ranger scott a week to get ready for this annual gathering , and another week to clean up the rib-bones and aluminum cans…but it’s all time well spent…

   if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to attend a party at the governors mansion , you’ll still be wondering this time next week cause it’s nothing like that. ……you won’t want to miss this social event , bring your lawn chair and a hearty appetite , your gonna need them both !   and perhaps a pair of hip-waders , it get’s pretty deep just before midnight ….

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two by two

  the mail influx continues !  it’s legendary !….  yesterday , i got fifteen pounds of anti-smoking propaganda plus a couple of rolls of pennies and two torn and tattered two dollar bills from an underground cache .. these were remnants of an earlier miser… a fruit-jar stash of an unscrupulous banking executive… these bills had obviously been out of circulation for years…. covered with patina , soiled and weathered .. they looked like the ones poss pribble used to pay his monthly bill at carminatti’s store..  maybe i can redeem these world war two veterans at woody’s walk-up window ..

   i’m thinking this robin hood scam has taken on a life of it’s own.. snow-balled into an unmanageable avalanche of unwanted and unwarranted mail for both me and fed-ex .. currently , i’m working on a permit for an on-sight sanitary landfill to rid myself of the pricksters mail …… why would a loan-shark give a Hoot how many cigarettes i smoke anyway ?…. get a broom and sweep the men’s room floor , quit prickin the poor people !

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horse hockey – (equine excretement)

  on the way to work this morning , around five thirty , i was listening to baxter black (cowboy poet ) tell a romantic  colorful story about being a cowboy.. about the pleasures of owning a horse.  the bond between man and animal …it was a delightfully detailed array of pleasantries and positive mental images… but extremely inaccurate !  he was shoveling road-apples…

    i was thinking , if you’ll turn this beautiful verbal picture over… look at the back side , you’ll see the real picture about owning a horse… they’ll live a life-time in submission to get in one good solid kick to your mid-section.. those oversized teeth can deliver as many foot-pounds of arm crushing torque as any crocodile on the mississippi.

   you can easily identify any horse-lovers place by driving down the road past their ranch…his fences will all be leaning at a forty-five degree angle.. away from the barn .  plank rail corrals will be chewed to splinters from top to bottom… all trees within reach will be noticeably absent of bark and life.. all vegetation will be pulled up by the roots and there will be a two-ton pile of manure somewhere near the barn..it’s just a fact of life ! … why not just feed them a load of 1×6’s…they love wood !

     horses don’t really like people, they’ll run when you bring the halter… you can lay the blanket across their back , but when you turn to get the saddle , they pull the blanket off with those oversized teeth.. they’ll spook at the sight of a wal-mart sack blowing across the open pasture , it scares them like it was a horse-eating sack with horns and a forked tail !… quit bucking , it’s a sack you idiot ..

   they’ll refuse to enter a trailer they’ve ridden in a million miles , especially if it has a top on it. …..they despise creek crossings with as much as four inches of water , afraid their might be a submerged saber-toothed wal-mart sack lurking just below the surface , waiting to eat their leg off at the knee..

   they’ll refuse to turn when headed toward the barn , it’s the only time they can run like the wind ! headed for the stall and another bucket of oats .  they are natures most effecient grass processing plant… eat a bale of alfalfa hay and shit two !

   baxter black must have had a better breed of hay-burner than any i ever owned , or his nag is still patiently waiting to kick him over the water trough..

     however, horses can communicate with their owners , i remember once entering the barn and saying to the horse as i opened the door to the feed room  ( how many oats you want this morning ) ?  ol’colonel promptly raised his tail and said … a feeeeeeeewwwwwww !

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the ” W.” don’t stand for warranty..

   ed , i quizzed w.w. red wallser about the warranty on that banny sittin-hen the coyotes stole off the back porch night before last , and the half dozen eggs that she was perched on…

   he was extremely sorrowful for our untimely loss ( just six days away from hatchin ) but said it was a limited warranty , applicable only if a three legged albino coyote  was stealing our herd during a quarter moon… how would we know how many legs the chicken thief, egg suckin, pachyderm had ? or if he was operating under the quarter moon…it’s not like i was watchin him steal our chickens…. or keeping a copy of the chicken farmer’s almanac posted on the side of the hen-house….. w.w.’s warranty ain’t worth the paper feed-sack it’s written on. he’s an unscrupulous chicken man if ever there was one..i thought all that scribblin he was doing was his talley on the sale… it was the endless fine print in the warranty clause !

   he sold us a straight load of inferrior bred  , black legged chickens , now refuses to honor the warranty…. what’s next ?   i guess we’ll discover these poultries ain’t really from the loins of roho , and never even attended the fort worth fat-stock show as spectators.. what a cheap chizzlin chicken man !

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half naked truth…

  as i was parked in ed’s r.v. shed this morning to avoid the texas sun , while waiting for him to emerge from the house for the trip to bible class. i noticed some movement in my rearview mirror… it was a half naked bald-headed man in his drawer tails , headed down the side-walk as though he were on a deserted island.. oblivious to traffic on the high-way or my tender eyes… he retrieved his sunday paper from the mail-box and continued his exibitionist journey in reverse order…he was still wearing his speedo from last night’s swimming pool debut at tom’s state park reunion…or he was steeeking in slow motion  , i don’t know which !

   anyhow it spooked me ! … i soon decided to go on alone , rather than chance yet another half naked encounter with the pillsbury windmill man . he must have overdosed on those liquid italian horderves, stayed up past conan obrian , or caught the consumption while basking in the pool…. it was clear he were’nt goin to church in that get-up !… al least not with me… i left in a cloud of dust !

   when i pulled in to nocona and turned west at the ching chong licker store , i noticed right away that henley has busted budget … little danny got all the cream and pulled out…henley was forced to use second hand sheet-iron for the roof of the cedar porch.. makes me feel bad about cashing that robin-hood check he sent last week.. apparantly he needed it more than me…now he’s having to use salvage building materials because of his generous donation to my titanic proned economy… looks like we’ll be going down for the third time , together !

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i’ve got a dream…ken york !

  this is it ! the fenoglio family reunion week-end is unofficially under way.. there’s a medium sized gathering ( something under four hundred ) at tom’s pool-side party as i write..stay tunned right here this week-end for a second hand non-fenotee report on all the festivities !

  i just called over across the coastal patch to get an update on the evenings activities , ed said ken york and becky holland had already knocked half the clorinated well-water out of the pool , going down the big slide , demonstrating a red neck cannon-ball ,….. buster !

    york said he could remember sitting on a cast-iron cultivator when he was a kid… day-dreaming , while looking square at the business end of a mare mule… headed down a mile long row in the summer heat… he was dreaming of the day when he grew up , how he’d just sit around the swimming pool under a big umbrella , sipping on quality mixed drinks and watching the damsels swim around in crystal clear blue water… and now only sixty years later , he’s living the dream at tom’s state park pool , right now….. watching becky holland doing the back stroke in her bikini … maybe later she’ll sober up enough to get in the water…..

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poison pen pyramid

  my gosh , i can’t believe the response on this robin-hood mail fraud scam … the checks are still coming !  forrest favor should have perfected this scam years ago rather than that stanley-products pyramid scheme.

   got a check today from c.e.o. of the ultimate strip mall… he enclosed a generous donation by democratic standards… it was five bucks , just enough for one more pac of basic’s from the ultimate store… provided they’ll take a two-party check on the owner !

   he stated his gratitude for my patronage .. said my nicoteen habit was single-handedly enough to pay the air-conditioning bill at the store , but he keeps the thermostat set on 82 …

    i also recieved another bogus federal reserve note… this one was for two thousand dollars and sported a picture of bush rather than clinton.. again it appeared to be the same handwriting as the windmill repairman… he actually thinks he’s fooling somebody with his clever pinmanship…noted it was from a republican friend this time… he’s trying to change his identity , must be using grumpy as his mail fraud consultant…. the counterfeit and demolition expert of stoneburg…

   i’m as scared of him as a sheep is a barber pole !

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cigarette money

  the money just keeps rollin in… hugo the snake hand-delivered another robin-hood contribution to my mail-box today.. some anonymous contributor threw caution to the wind , sent cash through american postal system..

   that’s right !  i received a genuine three dollar bill , with clinton’s picture in place of lincoln’s.. that right there tells me it was from a democrat .. who else would have a picture of clinton laying around , even on cash.

   the stamp used to mail this bogus currency was of the type purchased in rolls from the post office… commercial user most likely…some prickster in business for himself… and the hand-writing looked strangely like the writing on my past-due notice from the local water purveyor…could it possibly be that my old buddy ed is trying to soothe his seared and twisted conscience by mailing me counterfeit cash ?… he’s a sick individual !

   i can only hope that the rest of my rich friends will take this for the serious scam that it is. i’m in dire need of legal tender… not bogus or counterfeit replicas portraying bill clinton in a santa clause suite.. cigarettes are $4.98 at the ultimate store and they don’t accept clinton money despite his democratic tenure in the oval office.. they want real money and lots of it , for a pac of ready-rolls and a R.C. cola.

   henly can’t support my habit by himself , some other oil baron or minute-made millionaire needs to take up some slack… step into the traces and pull some weight..rig up the cable tow……

   some time back , grumpy gave me some leaf tobacco from his last trip to kentucky… it looked like a dried palm leaf , and would slip the hide on your tongue.. went up like kerosene on the first drag ! that tobacco barn must have been down-wind from outdoor toilet , cause it tasted like it had spent a lot of time in close proximity . i was a rank amatuer with forty years of inferrior smoking experience compared to that stuff.. it was lethal ! ( not to be confused with legal )  don’t force me to smoke that dreaded reject tobacco floor sweepin’s from cousin jacks dryin barn !  send mo’money !

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home sweet home !

 i’ve been off work all week , but i’d hardly call it a vacation..  i’m still working intermitently on my massive mr. fixit project… about seven years ago carolyn and i had a new house built on our eight acre minni-ranch east of montague.

   the professional carpenters framed-up our two story country home… put it in the dry as the pro’s say.. it appeared to be finished from the outside , but had virtually nothing done on the inside..

  we took it from there… interupted by a quadruple by-pass almost immediately . things went rather slow at first til i regained some strength , then the pace quickened a bit… carolyn and i did all the wiring throughout , hung all the sheetrock , did the taping and bedding , painting ,trim work and bathroom fixtures… hung light fixtures … waynes-coat.. wall paper… and fo-painted a couple of walls..

   i learned a lot about crown molding , staircase bannisters , window seats and sills .. grouting floors and hanging wall paper. i’ve heard that was how hitler made a living prior to becoming a ruthless dictator.. i can see why he had a bad attitude !

   we’ve got the place about finished , or should i say getting closer… i still lack one bedroom upstairs and a walk-in closet…plus carpeting upstairs… it’s been a six or seven year challenge , but a rewarding journey..i’ve learned a lot , including the fact that carolyn has better taste in design than i do , and she always has the majority vote ! if you ever want to test your marriage to the max , try hanging 4×8 sheets of drywall with your wife , on the ceiling , with only one ladder.. you’ll both learn a lot more than just carpentry..

  i’ve had a couple more heart surgeries during the process , but hopefully i’ll be around long enough to finish the biggest undertaking of my life… if not, i think carolyn can finish up , or marry a real carpenter on the next go-round…

   this thing is a temporal home at best , anyway… my real home is among the stars… there’ll be no unfinished work there !… plus it’s already paid for too !

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windfall wizzard

  a week or so ago , after reading an article by nelson mandella on how the rich people should help the poor people around them , i sent an e-mail to several of my rich republican friends…. told them of the article  , shamed ’em for being tight , and included my mailing address for them to mail me the first in a series of robin-hood checks…

   there was twelve or so names of individuals located within a ten mile radius of my house…. all are considered close friends of mine , all are considered wealthy by montague county standards…  big-o , tommy o’neal , little danny , big horn , henley , goober , grumpy , chipper , ed  and his lovely bride , al mc snat , kennedy and baccus , and a few others…

   i was expecting my mail box to be crammed the following day… a notice from the post office to pick up the remainder at their office…but i’ve been disappointed on several scams before…

   that was a week ago… nothing had come til today… then at ten when ‘ hugo the snake ‘ made his daily delivery to 393…there it was… the first robin hood contribution from my old pal henley..happy day !

  i knew i could count on my good methodist brother , but for income tax purposes , i can’t reveal the exact amount of the donation….  i did however , immediately take the check to the nearest lowe’s before he had time to stop-payment… bought enough laminated flooring to finish the upstairs and trim out a couple of bed room windows as well…

   now , all that being said , it’s time for a few more of you overloaded republican friends of mine to get the check in the mail…    tyson , you won’t believe how much henley sent… and the check was good despite being on a nocona bank….  this is better than the barnett shale !  keep’em commin you montague  self-made millionaires.. it’s a write off for you , a windfall for me !

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