credit’s due !

   chipper , in light of the fact that you were raised in the shadow of carminatti’s grocery…. i know you are familiar with the type of credit program he administered…

   you gathered up what items you needed from his shelves in a cardboard box then took them to the front where joe-cob would make an entry for each item in a ticket book behind the counter….

   then at the end of each month the credit customer would travel to town to pay his account at joe cob’s store.. this was called (settling up)…

    well today is the last day of the month…. it’s time to settle-up … chipper

Read Full Post »

open house

     i have an idea for a new reality show…. a show where illegal  aliens sneaking across the borders in the dead of night would be given a drivers license and jobs at local fast food restaurants or convenience stores…. despite the fact they speak little or no decipherable english… thereby slowing the fast food industry down to a crawl….( pete and repete )

    the contestants would receive free medical treatment at the hospital of their choice….. free education for their children… and government subsidized food for their families…

    they also would qualify for low interest small business loans where they could buy up every motel and seven-eleven franchise in north america…..while sending all the profits from such business to their home country so relatives can also follow their dream to the shores of america….

     they will also feel free to be offended when we do not pay proper respect to their cultural and religious differences… they’ll forever remain true to false gods and odd clothing that are obvious signs of the country they wanted desperately to escape…  the country where they lived like swine !!  the one with the dictator and sub-standard roads , housing , no jobs or health care etc….

   the most popular contestant could end up with a top security clearance for the c.i.a. or could even be the democratic nominee for the office of president….

   the new show could be titled…..( the biggest bleeding heart liberal)   or ( american surrender )

    the only problem i see with this great new reality show is where on earth could we possibly find anyone with deep enough pockets to finance such a costly venture ??

                                                  poison pen

Read Full Post »

what’s that smell ?

   uncle grumpy paid me a visit yesterday at the water facility.. he needed a couple of sample bottles for testing a water-well and the lab required forms…

   he also brought me an early christmas gift… at least a half dozen thick slices of skillet sized dry cured country ham from his recent trip to kentucky… i could’nt wait to get home and test this treat….

    i got home about four-thirty and drug out my favorite cast-iron skillet… turned on the burner and waited with anticipation til the temperature was just right… before gently laying this blast from the past into the sizzling grease..

   the longer it cooked the louder it smelled… soon carolyn’s dogs were scratching on the door.. wanting outside rather than in….

   carolyn arrived home from work just as this seasoned piece of hog’s ass reached perfection… she entered the back door and headed in the direction of the kitchen , but stopped short….  what’s that gosh-awful smell… are you cooking with your shoes off or has something died ?

   neither , i said… grumpy brought us some kentucky ham for christmas… she walked right past the stove and opened the refrigerator door…. came out with a pot of left-over stew and proclaimed she would not be dining on anything that smelled like dirty feet….

   i made me a sandwich from a single slice of the most moist tender piece of heaven to cross my lips in quite some time.. it was wonderful despite the stinch still lingering in the air….

   i’ll take the other slices to ed’s breakfast feed on saturday to get the reaction from that bunch of seasoned hog-butchers….as carolyn forbid me from cooking anymore kentucky ham in the same building where she had to sleep…

    thanks grumpy !! you killed two birds with one stone… gave me some really great ham and got those infernal lap dogs out of the house for a while   !….. carolyn will forget the whole incident in a few days and life will be back to normal…. just hope i didn’t ruin my cast iron skillet….

                                                  poison pen…

Read Full Post »

deck the halls… and curley too !

   black friday was an eventful day at wally-world… they had a limited supply of t.v.’s  on deep discount…. three sets were used as bait to work the patrons into a shopping frenzy…

   local senior , curley butts , arrived early and waited til the doors were opened at the zero hour… he scurried to the unexpected location where the t.v.’s were displayed… in the meat market !!  he was able to acquire one of the  t.v.’s before shoppers instantly depleted the very limited supply..

    some lady rounded the corner, saw the supply was gone , also saw the one perched on top of curley’s shopping cart…. slowly and meticulously picked it up and sat it onto her cart….

   words were exchanged… curley retrieved his set… more words were exchanged …. then business picked up a notch.. the nice lady began slapping curley repeatedly… knocked his ten-gallon stetson right off his head….

   curley had  enough…  in the true spirit of giving , he gave her a shot to remember….he hit that aggressive witch dead center in the nose… with a closed fist…

   other patrons jumped in to separate the two christmas shoppers…. while the nice lady was still listening to the koo-koo clock…. curley picked up his hat… made his way thru the maddening crowd to the check-out….is this a great holiday tradition or what ?

    any other time of the year this would be considered aggravated assault… unacceptable behavior… but not at wal-marts black friday sale..  it’s serious shopping !  quickly becoming the norm at stores throughout this great nation……

   curley got his t.v. despite the fact that he’s seventy five years old…. he still throws a pretty wicked upper-cut….

   he went directly home , hired a trainer… started lifting weights and jogging… getting ready for the next black friday sale at our friendly wal-mart store…

   

Read Full Post »

christmas poem

   santa clause is coming

   with hundred dollar oil

   and fruitcake wrapped up

   in aluminum foil….  

                                                  

   rich man gets the money ,

   poor man gets the cake..

   how much more can

   the working man take ?    

                                                      

   christmas spirit’s gushing

   from the barnett shale..

   rich man is dining

   on tenderloin and ale…     

                                                       

   half starved chicken

   on the poor man’s plate.

   better times are coming ,

   how long can we wait ?         

                                                      

   maybe next christmas ,

   alas , for pete’s sake…

   pass a second helping

   of that retched fruit-cake…

                                  shortfellow-07

Read Full Post »

past due notice

  as a direct result of a football bet… and lack of payment in full… the approaching christmas shopping season… and limited available income , i’m left with no other alternative other than dun my ol’pal chipper in this public forum… sorry for the public humiliation , but i need my money…

   we had a bet.. fair and square.. you took oklahoma state and i took the university of oklahoma… the final score was 49–17..   O.U…..i’d consider that a good bet on my part…

    sorry your ol’ school went down like the titanic but i can’t be held responsible for their lack of football skills or your ill advised confidence in the bedlam series…

    you refused to pay the full amount at one time for fear i would use your money to purchase a pack of cigarettes…

    the bottom line is i need my money…. all of it , not just the partial payment you made on sunday… my grandkids need shoes for the winter…cough it up !!!  we had no prior agreement on installment payments…  truth is we had a five dollar bet and you only paid two… you still owe me !!

         past due bill on illegal foot ball bet

      origional gambling debt…………………………..$ 5.00

      partial payment received on account………$ 2.00

                                unpaid balance due………. $ 3.00

      late fee ……………………………………………………$ 4.00

     incurred interest………………………………………$ 1. 00

     notification fee………………………………………….$ 3.00

     postage …………………………………………………….$ o.40

      10% fuel surcharge………………………………….$ 1.14

                                     total balance due………….$ 12.54

                                cash only please… i don’t like paying income taxes on illegal activities………hootie helped me prepare this statement…. that’s how they do it at big-o’s bank !!

   keep draggin your feet on payments , i’ll end up with a full carton of ready-rolls or a lien  against one of your many airplanes.

    

     

Read Full Post »

road report

  the county seat had a light dusting of snow late yesterday…. roads were clear this morning except for a few exposed bridges…  mill street bridge in particular..

    some unsuspecting traveler spun out on the bridge and crashed…. four occupants in undetermined condition… north bound lane of 287 blocked as rescue equipment attempts clean-up… care-flight is on stand by !!

   skys are clear at sun up.. it won’t take long for this slippery road hazzard to clear…. drive careful…

Read Full Post »

second-hand smoke

a single short snipe in a dirty ashtray                           

left unattended burns the o-zone away

the scene is repeated a million times ten   

while the stratosphere crumbles

at the hands of weak men…  

 

the barns in kentucky are filled to the top..

i’m paying their mortgage , they know i can’t stop …

surgeon generals warning : i know one he missed,

if you light one up , your friends could get pissed…

 

the icebergs are melting,

there’s a pig in the polk.

from carbon emissions

and second-hand smoke…  

 

two packs a day for forty plus years ,

offending my friends is the least of my fears..

just shootin a snipe while comrades all choke…

friendship fades quickly in second hand smoke..

 

the icebergs are melting

this ain’t no joke…

from carbon emissions 

and second-hand smoke !!!

                                                                    shortfellow   

                            

Read Full Post »

holiday health

  the festive season of eating to excess is upon us… it’s time to gain about ten pounds over the next thirty days… thanksgiving turkey…. christmas hams– pies and cakes..etc..

    but we don’t have to fall victim to all those extra calories… just eat sensible.. remember the basic food groups…that food pyramid we studied back in highschool.. stack your dressing up in the shape of a pyramid.. then cover it with giblet gravey….it becomes text-book health food…

   eat something from each basic food group or something that contains ingredients from each group… like sausage balls !! they contain the meat group… the bread group… and the cheese or dairy group….. stack the sausage balls up like a pyramid ….. they become health food !!!

   you are what you eat !   who in their right mind would want to be celery stix and cottage cheese , when there’s honey-baked ham and sweet potatoes ? just remember the pyramid… stack it accordingly…

Read Full Post »

bill-bill’s boys

   coach bill bill hosted a basketball tournament last saturday at goldburg..

   according to local sports enthusiasts  and bear supporters , a near riot erupted as bill bill’s boys were suffering an agonizing defeat….reluctantly receiving a second coat of shellac… trailing by fifty points…

     two star players were benched for showing up late to the game…. lost another player as his dad was ejected from the gymnasium by a disgruntled ref and that mild mannered miller guy…… sheriff’s deputies were summoned to restore order in the second half…. things were tense to say the least !

   bill bill escaped with his life and his contract still in tact after a heart breaking defeat…. but i’m thinking those apathetic starters learned a hard life-lesson…..

     if you’re gonna play for coach clay… you need to buy a watch !!

Read Full Post »