Archive for September, 2007

highschool poetry

  barley , barley , buckwheat straw..

  forty licks is the law..

  hit me now and hit me then…

  hit me when i fart again.. !!!

                  author unknown…

     * i think it was lester-gene (foo-foo ) stump…


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cowboy cadillac

  i saw tiny in the process of repainting the prime-cut limo earlier in the week…out in the drive-way beside the house….

    little did i know that he and brady-o’neal  and probably cody-tip were preparing for a trip to dallas today , to watch the cowboys play football…

   keep in mind this is an eighty-something model stretched caddy… used to be funeral-home white… now the front fenders.. hood and front doors are gray then it fades to blue over the rear half of the body…… cowboy helmet logo’s on the doors.. dallas cowboys in large letters across the rear deck…flags flying from the rear windows…..nice hooter’s bumper sticker on the back bumper….white vynal top……and a yellow labrador retreiver hanging out the back window.. 

 all the guys were wearing official cowboy jerseys… ed asked tiny where he got his six-x jersey ??? he quickly replied…. wichita tent and awning !!!

   they’ve got reserved parkin , right down front , compliments of the local sports bookie..

    they’ve secured a designated limo-driver ( t.j.’s grandson) and it’s still legal in texas to have an open container way in the back of the stretched limo…looks a lot like trouble to me… i’m not sure dallas is ready for montague county personified..

   they’re leaving town early this morning, if that caddy will crank , headed for the game or the dallas county jail , which ever comes first……watch the pre-game show… you might see’em…or on the ten o’clock news tonight… police report !!….or parked at hooters in denton, later this evening ….

    i just hope romo’s girlfriend don’t crawl in that rig after the game by mistake….she’s probably never been to montague….

   the cowboys are playin better under coach phillips… might even call them winners !! but the unquestionable bunch of real winners will be on board the caddy , headed to the game….wish they’d asked me to go !!!….i’ve never been in jail !!!

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judge not

have you ever been arrested ?

or told you must appear…

downtown nocona texas,

before judge Hava-beer ?

wear fresh starched shirt

and french cologne..

can’t say she’s easy

but she lives alone…

you may get fined

or you may get life !!

what she really wants

is to be someone’s wife….

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mickey D’s drive-thru

   i saw on the evening news a couple of weeks back that mc donald’s is changing over to canola-blended oil.. getting away from all those trans-fats , what ever they are !!

    but i’m tellin ya’ if you shop at mc donalds in bowie , trans fats are the least of your worries !!

   let me explain this as delicately as possible… bowie’s continental bus depot closed years ago… the only place you can now catch a bus is at mc donalds… they stop there a couple of times a day to pick up passengers and or freight… you buy your ticket right there at the burger counter…

    there are three local vet. clinics that service the rural community surrounding bowie… when a farmer’s dog or cat is bitten by a rabid skunk or suspected carrier… texas law states that the dogs head must be sent to an approved lab for testing…

   the lab is in dallas…. so the heads are packed in a beer-cooler and sent to the local bus station for shipment…. that’s mickey d’s…

   the bus may not run for several hours… so the rabid dog heads are stored in the walk-in cooler.. right there next to two all-beef patties and the special sauce..  are you startin to get the picture ???

     next trip through the bowie drive-thru ask for their breakfast special… dollar meal…. that’s a dog-head sausage on a cat-head biscuit….

   that nice lady on the speaker phone will say (  ya wanta supersize that ?)

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    if you read this weeks shopper you probably noticed that ad  for a honda tri-cycle… chipper is willing to sacrifice that low mileage scooter for a mere 16,000 dollars…( it’s not cheap but it’s reasonable ).. if a used 88 model with 80,000 miles cost 16 G’s , what on God’s green earth would they charge for a new one??  

   naturally the ad in the paper coincided with his being out of town on yet another vacation trip…he’s in branson listening to roy clark and the rest of the hew-haw gang….

   somehow the prospective buyer got my phone number and asked if i could show chipper’s bike to his wife.. a few calls later the arrangements were made… i had to travel to walker international airport and toy-box to show the rice-burner and offer up my best sales pitch..

   before i’d be a party to the skinnin that was on the horizon , i called in a professional… got a fair market appraisal from an expert…. he noticed the 2×4 block zip-tied to the clutch pedal first thing… said he’s set the liberal appraisal at twenty one hundred…. not just an appraisal but a solid bid… provided chipper would take a check on custom windmill water works…..

   chipper fleeced ed on a motorcycle deal a couple of years back… bought that graham pill-pushers bike right from under ed’s low-biddin nose… ed never got over that under handed alley swap !!

    i met the prospective buyer…. down played the high mileage and that gaulded paint on the front fender… the outrageous selling price and the lack of a roof overhead…..pointed out the fact that it had never been smoked on… no cigarette burns on the upholstery.. no butts in the glove box  etc…

    the looker kicked the tires for fifteen minutes… started it up… honked the horn and such  while i was applying constant pressure to close the deal…

    i’m thinking six-percent sales commission just like the unscrupulous real-estate dealers… (jones boys)……made mention of that fact later to ed.. his thoughts were rather discouraging !!

    he said yeah ! you’ll get six percent alright…. six percent of what the bird left on the pump handle …. ask baccus what chipper paid him for six weeks of lawn care at that mansion on the hill.. while he was travelin the states in that luxury motor-home earlier this summer……

    stamp-licker said he got a twelve pack for mowin that five acre lawn four different times…. that figures out to one beer per hour…. and i don’t drink !!! maybe he’ll buy me a pack of chesterfields and his wife will help me smoke’em out behind the hanger….any thing would be better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick or that callin card the bird left on the pump handle…

   anyhow… i think the deal fell through !! the prospective buyer did’nt like those high pressure sales tactics and the fact that the gas guage was sittin on empty…

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lead based buddhists

  there is a direct link between lead poisoning and learning disabilities..

   recent tests indicate that the chinese continue to use lead based paint despite scientific and medical  studies that warn of the results..

   they are a major manufacturer of wal-mart merchandise… including children’s toys…

  perhaps this revelation would lead one to believe that some of the wal-mart purchasing agents must have sucked on a number of chinese toys as a child..

   and would also explain why millions of chinese  choose to worship a man that sat under a tree meditating and eating rice for forty five days..

    matel had a brilliant idea… let’s outsource our toy manufacturing operation to the lead-paint capitol of the world…. where the masses worship a dead fat guy…maybe we can turn a larger profit at the expense of our loyal customers…certainly seems prudent !!

   any corrective action at this point might be too little too late… i think the brain damage happened a couple of generations back….  bad karma !!

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    it was brought to my attention  during the reading of aunt mac’s eulogy that her baby boy’s middle name is( lyndon)… further proof that tom’s dear ol’dad was indeed a yellow dog democrat…

   the irony of that  is…. now tom lives his life as a republican while voting straight democratic ticket.. perhaps he would have been better served if they’d named him tommy george… tommy walker…or thomas bush fenotee…

   i’ve known tom most of his life and always thought his middle name was o’neal…even when he was serving as the counties democratic chairman..

   i’m thinkin he must have had really big ears when he was born for them to hang that lyndon title on tom…

     i’ve heard rumors that yet another offspring of uncle ray’s was named for a democratic president as well as a past member of the house of representatives for the great state of texas…   

     ed was named after that guy with a milk route back in the late forties….. 

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