Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for October, 2017

Tom’s slowly recovering from the stem-cell implant on his most prosperous and most prestigious toe.. the big one..

The surgery that was to end all his ambulatory woes , instead rendered him a paraplegic on his right foot… the righteous foot… the Republican stabilizer on his most conservative foot ..

His recovery was supposed to be short-lived… overnight…then he’d be an active prospect for Dancing With The Stars… Sawbones lied..

Instead , he’s been bed ridden (with negative connotations)… restricted to preventive isolation from invasive microbes and debilitating germs…. Nurse Holland now holds the keys to the liquor cabinet…

Originally diagnosed with Hoof and Mouth Disease …. Pathologist however updated his diagnosis to terminal “Foot Rot” coupled with moderate gangrene..

He’s doomed to crutches for the remainder of his pasture-jack life … restricted to chasing geriatric damsels and mid-life cheerleaders along the sidelines of Jerry’s World…. He’s still able to catch most 50-250’s tantalizing the fans with arthric moves in scantily clad sweat pants…but he’ll never again chase the most spirited females….Emerson escaped…

Tom’s prognosis is marginal at best … he’s lowered his sickle… and elevated his foot…He’s destined to culls and factory rejects…. why else would he buy a WW squeese shoot at Heugator’s Auction last week ?

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Dash for Cash…at Doc’s Debt Collection Agency in Muenster.. Trick or Treat

For the third week in a row , Bert Square tried in vain to collect for work completed at Ben Dover Water Company in Montague…for the third time Ben refused to budge from his contention that the paint still had not dried completely, therefore he could NOT pay for unfinished work…

Months ago Bert and his square-head cohorts began planning a Colorado Elk hunt for the first week in November…knowing that such outings require a large sum of money for licenses , travel funds , eats , anti-freeze consumption etc…

The only way to make such sporting expenditures financially feasible , was to accept gainful employment with the likes of  “Ben Dover” , despite his stellar reputation of slow pay..

Common sense fell victim to need….Bert took the remodeling job though other squares around him warned against the charitable donation to Dago mafia members…

Now Bert and the boys are in a quandary… time has come to slay the elk , but Ben has failed to meet his contractual obligations to PAY..   funds are short… and so will the hunt be… fewer days to travel , fewer days to stalk the elk… fewer beers for campsite consumption…

Plan “B” has been initiated for the cash-strapped Squares… they’ll be camped on Mil’s homestead over by Rosston , sleeping on the ground … drinking sub-standard beer… eating Beanie Weenies and saltine crackers…. listening close for the bugle of distant elk.. while gathered around the flaming remnants of Mildred’s childhood memories..

All because Ben Dover and his young apprentice , Lean Dover, have refused to meet their professional obligations to pay the Squares in a timely manner.. Ben just can’t pull the trigger on writing the check…. his pencil jammed..

 

 

Read Full Post »

18664688_10207436281379168_2960555639370124964_n Seed spitter..  The thing that most intrigued me about this cotton-headed kid…?..was his standard answer to my spontaneous question ” You wanta go with Popa ? “… was always Uh-huh…

He never asked where we were going , what we were gonna do when we got there,  or when we’d be back… those details were irrelevant …what difference did it make anyway ?… We were Pals..

 

Read Full Post »

Pole-Cats and Propane…?

Tom was faced with a delicate quandary on Wednesday’s sunrise…. He had captured a live Skunk in his strategically placed game trap…. but was unable to execute proper extermination due to his recent surgery restrictions..  Lame Liberal…

Solution :… whistle in the premier sharpshooter in Montague… the one person who has no instinctive restraints about killing God’s defenseless creation.. ( pigeon slayer ) Ben Dover… Tom also called me to witness the execution process ..

I arrived on scene shortly before the executioner… Ben drove alongside the trapped Pole-cat .. accessed the situation… shuttled his truck back and forth for just the right angle to shoot…

Then Ben related to me the wisdom of his paternal grandfather .. who impressed on Ben’s juvenile mind …” a well placed single head-shot will insure the skunk meets his demise well before he has time to spray ”

Ben withdrew his weapon of choice…inserted a thirty round clip.. sighted down the barrel for instant odorless death…and squeezed of a round… the skunk never moved , but Tom’s oversized yard-dog suddenly became petrified… he was convinced Ben had just made an attempt on his life…

I was standing alongside my truck with the door open , leaning back against the driver seat.. observing the deadly aim of the infamous Pigeon Killer…

Tom’s mutt stood within my shadow.. instinctively decided to take refuse inside my truck.. He lunged directly between me and the door post… refused to take ” Get Back you Biscuit Head ” for emergency instruction , and lunged again for secluded protection..

That giant yellow Lab outweighed me by ten pounds…he was relentlessly determined to save his own life from Ben’s unwarranted carnage…a battle of ingress-egress ensued..

Meanwhile , Ben fired off several more rounds at the “Stinker”… fumes filled the air as a live round ricocheted of the Propane tank…

Now… both me and the biscuit head dog sought refuse inside the truck…away from Ben and the wounded Propane tank..

Eventually the Stinker died a horrible death… pending autopsy reports will determine if Stinky died from fear….. or from Ben’s strategically placed head-shot… or from a ricochet lead fragment from Tom’s Purple-Heart propane tank..

Read Full Post »

Pam and I were having a nice visit on the back patio Sunday afternoon when my phone interrupted the conversation abruptly…

It was Tommy O’Neal…. inexplicably inquiring what color the metal roof is on my house ?  Is it green ?….

Nope… it’s galvalume….. a moment of silence , then the distinctive phrase ” Oh shit ” we’re at the wrong house…came from my reliable flip-phone.. Tom hung up !

Pam and I returned to our visit with sideline inquiry …What was that all about ?

Moments later , an unfamiliar buzz was heard overhead..I strolled from beneath the patio cover to discover an invasive Drone hovering just overhead…tree top level..  with video recording equipment..  and remote controls… operated from his house…three miles away…

Tom was spying on my house…intruding into my private space…gleening information on who was visiting…. the type of car they drive etc….any morsel of info that might be used for monetary or political gain… ( blackmail )..

Instantly upon recognizing the trespassing air craft , and connecting the dots between Tom’s previous question about my roof’s color and the current airborne invasion , I sprinted towards the house and the gun cabinet..

Fumbling for the key…swinging open the safe…. grabbing dove-load… retrieving the 410….gave Tom ample time to retreat to higher altitude and separate his intrusive drone from certain anti-aircraft fire…

I stood , armed and dangerous… watching the privacy violation retreat back towards the west into the setting sun…. Tom won the surprise attack and retreat , but I’ll be waiting for the next visual ambush.. with automatic weapons , ant-aircraft rockets , and grenade launchers..

Make another fly-by Tom… I’ll pepper your ass..

Read Full Post »

I was astounded after recounting to Tommy O’Neal , how Commissioner Bob had hand delivered half a peck of vine ripe tomatoes to my back door earlier in the week..

Tom subsequently stated ….”while I was under the knife in Ft. Worth on Tuesday, someone invaded my garden spot next to the house, and absconded with my entire Fall crop of #1 tomatoes.. leaving only culls and mis-formed knots to disguise the theft..”

Video evidence is forthcoming at November’s Second Monday Commissions Court..

Tom has irrefutable proof …….that Big Bob needed fresh tomatoes to go with his newly acquired Colorado Elk Steaks…

Judge Lewis is researching the possibility of charges related to tomato larceny being brought against the road commissioner…and the likelihood of “mater-theft ” being an impeachable offense under State law..

Read Full Post »

Though a couple of weeks after the fact , I’d like to thank Hooty of Big Bank banker status…. for hosting a maiden voyage to Ranger Stadium for me , Ben Dover , and Tommy O’Neal…through massive traffic obstructions …purposly directed by “Paladin”… strong words were exchanged with him through open windows as we cleared the construction zone….

Nothing is more challenging than attending a pro baseball game with two staunch football fans….. most every play was highlighted by a question or comment from the adjoining seats…

That pitcher should be flagged for delay of game…why does he keep throwing the ball to first base ?…. what quarter is this anyway ?… why is that hitter designated ?..where’s the clock ?… what about cheerleaders ?

Juvenile questions were however diverted when the lady came by taking orders for drinks.. water $5.50 , Beer $9.25, Double shot $24.00…and so the afternoon went…

I ordered an $8.50 hot dog and a bottle of H20…$14.oo total….. accompanying  sport fans were less conservative…less compassionate on Hooty’s card….. beer and nachos , $27.25 each..

Houston soundly thrashed the Rangers as we looked on from our reserved $58.00 perch , high over home plate…looking down first base line.. dodging ric-o-sha foul balls at frequent intervals…

Tom thought the seventh inning stretch meant …. meet us at the Capital Club Bar , where chairs are softer and double-shots come more often.. off we went..

Our day-trip outing included a gridlocked trip back thru Ft.Worth and Salt Grass Eatery… where the steaks were pretty thick and so was our waitress… more double-shots and cold-beer paved the way to smoldering lines of credit on Hooty’s melting plastic card…

Two short days later , as Staley was reviewing Hoot’s travel vouchers….admission tickets , gas , meals and booze , he suffered a moderate stroke…took it hard…

I made it home with a 3K-Hit cap for Beltre …and many fond memories of the Maiden Voyage….  sorry for the financially induced stroke Pres. Phil , we all had a great time…

Don’t tell Lonita nothing…..

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »