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Archive for February, 2008

shoot low sheriff

    i’m at a total loss as how to vote on the upcoming sheriff’s race… due partially to the fact that i have little to no experience with that office… i think the criminal element has better working knowledge of the office and it’s duties…after all they spend a lot of time in close contact with the inter workings and responsibilities of that elected official… they know the system and the law…they recognize him and his deputies when they knock on the front door !

   i’m thinking i could just follow a convict to the courthouse , see how he votes , then mark my ballot accordingly…. except for the fact that society has banned those very knowledgeable individuals from casting a vote…and they put up those blinders so you can’t cheat off your neighbor….what’s that all about…… guess they don’t value the ballot of a guy that accidentally killed his mother-in-law with a choppin ax…. sour-grapes !!

    however, they will readily accept a ballot from some uninformed , inexperienced democrat like ed….. why not let the crackheads elect the sheriff ? they know which ones can shoot straight ….

    i’ve tried comparing these guys to famous sheriff’s of the past like buck jamerson , tom lindsay , howard middleton and his side-kick barney giaketti…. you remember barney… tennis shoes and six-guns…

   then there was our most famous of all high sheriffs… w.f. conway… modern day john wayne… standing up for right and justice and the forestburgian way !… he’d fight a circle saw and give it ten minutes to build up r.p.m.’s…. but somehow these modern day candidates lack luster and have a low tolerance for second hand smoke……. i’m seriously considering a write-in vote for benny norvel , past police chief for the fair city of saint jo , but i’m not sure if he’s still taking in oxygen !… he confiscated my drivers lisence once upon a time , for thirty days , at the request of my own dear mother … she was tired of buying tires and drive lines for the drag-races on bulcher highway… i’m not sure that was completely legal since he kept my lisence in his billfold…but he knew it was in the best interest of a young huligan and a couple of u-joints…..

  who ya gonna call ?

   

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clean up on isle four

   ed and i stopped by the national franchise ultimate convenience store of montague yesterday ,to check progress and the highly anticipated grand opening date…

    i requested a professional interview with building superintendent cody tip..but he was much too busy for such trivial matters… he was eating frito’s and drinking red-bull from company stock , barking orders to spanish carpenters and electricians alike… he has a deadline to meet … corporate c.e.o. , brady o’neal , is depending on tip to complete the construction phase so ranger scott can stock the shelves with over priced staples for unsuspecting clientele….

   personally , im looking foreward to having beanie-weenies and saltine crackers within a mile of the fourway stop sign where poochie strong used to sell his wares…. just across the street from the open air market of t.j. vann and jesse cox’s variety store…

   this new ultimate store will surely stock their shelves with alka-seltzer and breath mints for the neighboring saloon patrons on either side…bayer asprins and black coffee before heading home…

      this is a virtual strip mall… just like in the big cities of alvord and chico…

   it’s unclear at this time if they will offer a line of credit like carminatti’s did … but we are long over due for some milk and bread without a twenty mile drive… i’m thinking some of tom’s private stock will man the cash registers , providing both chocolate and eye candy for grateful customers…you won’t even notice when you’ve been short-changed !

    this is a win win situation for citizens and owners alike…. urban renewal has finally arrived in rare fashion… best of luck to all the folks at ultimate convenience store.. i’m looking foreward to two dollar cigarettes and fifty cent cokes !! ( italian discount)

   as for the walk-thru inspection… relax , i don’t think ed even noticed that bombed out bagdad septic system out back…

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feces and furniture

    ed had a moving experience last week-end , after laughing at that poor guy at the courthouse…. the one with the squirts… ed contracted the same dysentery… spent two days in remorse for finding humor in anothers colonic chaos.. ( he who laughs last ,laughs loudest)

    now , i’m involved in a moving experience of a different sort…. moving mom’s furniture and material belongings from the casa de paz where she has resided for the last year into storage…. she’s now a permanent resident of belmire rest home… 

   my experience has a number of similarities to ed’s…. there’s endless trips back and forth…shadowed by a sense of urgency….the tedious task of clean-up ( be sure to shut the door when you leave) followed by a feeling of complete and utter exhaustion…. then after a couple of days the battle is over …life returns to normal….

    hopefully for me , today is the last of the moving…i’m ready for life to return to normal..

     please address all sympothy correspondence to ed fenotee in care of custom water works…. alamo road…. montague texas… 76251 ( he still needs reading material )

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election central 1958

  early voting is underway at the capitol city in montague… early voters enjoy the luxury of  short lines and easy access ..

    those old days of anxiously waiting on the courthouse steps for election returns to dribble in from each precinct before being posted on a large blackboard for public viewing , are hopefully gone forever… it was a fun time for kids , cause we got to stay up late… play on the courthouse lawn … stick borrowed nickles in the coke machine….while nervious candidates waited patiently for the ax to fall ..

   there was hide and seek marathons taking place while politicians lives weighed in the balance…. uncle tony was always confident , at least on the outside.  tom lindsey would surely be re-elected along with blake freeman down at forestburg… elton winton was short-lived… then there was poss pribble and roy dunbar… and finally my own dear mom was elected for four consecutive terms as county treasurer…  all of this done while chipper and karen kilcrease hid quietly in a cedar bush by the steps….

   c.a. was carring a gun back then… if he could have read chipper’s mind , he would have fired a couple of rounds over that cedar bush as a precaution…breaking up the hide and seek  and sending chipper back to the south side where he belonged !!

   i hated politics back then… those boring political rallys and long winded speeches… pie auctions could drag on for hours with never any pie to eat ! they were all carried home for the personal enjoyment of the highest bidder…. seldom if ever mom stayed hooked up for the final pie winning bid on that coconut creme…. most often she was out bid by the likes of ed cooksey or lewis.t.holland… but never once did becky ever call saying come on over… i’ll give you a peice of your favorite pie…. noda self was standing by at the switch-board , but becky just never called !!

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  after spending a week-end very close to the porcelain throne   ( gastro-interitus) , ed’s off to scotland  texas.. this morning…..seems big-o has a mysterious water leak on a two mile line through the grasslands of clay county…. water used to water the countless momma cows and service the ranch house headquarters….

   ed will surely dig deeper into big-o’s pocket than he does  into the red clay on the ranch…lonita has already down sized from an escalade to a blazer after ed’s final bill on the construction of a well-house last year… this could be deja-voo… exorbitant charges for minimal results…. i’m thinking lonita will look pretty good in a volkswagon.. !

   i remember a couple of formally educated trial lawyers that practiced here back in the fifties.. their talent was unmatched in the courthouse … as a result ,their financial success and acquisition of vast amounts of land set them up for a rather informal education at the hands of a couple of cow-trading brothers from dry-valley…

   when the smoke cleared , the farm boys had the deed to the ranch , including mineral rights that gave financial Independence to dry valley descendants for generations to come…

  this very same type senerio is building momentum as we speak .. in the tall buffalo grass of the scotland ranch…. ed is seeing a rainbow at the end of the water-line … complete and total takeover of the momma-cow dynasty built on thirty years of one careful trade after another and countless hours back-breaking manual labor …. the ruptured water line could not possibly match the leak that is brewing in lonita’s coin purse….

   big-o historicly watches for snakes lurking in the deep native grass around the ranch , but now there’s one digging for gold….. it’s an italian viper…disquised as a lowly windmill man…searching for a lotery ticket and a busted water-line…

    a heartless windmill salesman smells the distinct odor of mildewed money… you’ve got to get it from them that has it… that’s his moto… and he’s gone to scotland to get it !!

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overdue onions

 shortly after the saturday morning meeting of the montague rotary club… the honorable hoot meekins presiding over an unusually large and diverse crowd.. ed and i meandered off to the state park to commandeer the services of  the only remaining farmer fenoglio…

    we borrowed a hundred and fifty thousand dollar john deere tractor to cultivate a two acre garden…gives a whole new meaning to the term ” sod-buster”.

   as we were roading it past the court house in route to ed’s garden patch….. i witnessed a sight i had never previously seen in montague… a naked-man… streakin to a parked truck … right there on the square…. i thought i was hallucinating from too much garlic in the breakfast gravy… it was for real all right.. this dude was stripped down to his whitey-tightys and sox… making a break for it… ed jumped the curb while dialing the cell phone…..rubber-necking in disbelief…  what the hell ?  he was callin cousin tom to witness this deal !!!

  as of yet , we don’t fully understand the nature of this man’s plight… the source of the naked man…. or his destination…but he was definitely in a hurry !!.. i just dismissed it as some sort of misguided sporting event…  ed said i’ve seen that look before…pain and fear overcomes good judgement….. he clearly has a case of the trots !  soiled his trousers… i could see the whites of his eyes …undoubtedly just returned from a trip to mexico…..montazuma’s revenge !!

    we finally quit laughing about the time we reached the garden… two miles further down a narrow gravel road.

    while the big deere was plowing spindle deep on the five row garden , the crawler circled overhead in yet another hundred and fifty thousand dollar peice of equipment.. his latest in a fleet of helicopters..

    made a pass or two then to our amazement , set it down right there in the turnup patch .. dirt and debree engulfed the creek bottom… it was the night crawler all right… i could see the marlboro hanging from his lips as the dust died down….contrary to all chipper’s good training !

   he was conducting an aerial search for ferrel hogs around the  scrub-brush perimeter of salt-creek bottom land… enjoying a few cigarettes and the mid morning flight….

    the garden patch is now ready for the infamous horse drawn tobacco planter…straight out of uncle jacks kentucky farm… converted to accomidate big-o and the judges daughter…. it’ll plant a row of onions before becky can drink a luke-warm beer !!

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one year anniversary

    i’m fast approaching the one year anniversary of  “montague county moments”… the fifteenth of march… seems almost impossible that i’ve managed to alienate myself from so many people in such a short time.. on a couple of occasions, i have been threatened with bodily harm for printing what i perceived to be the truth or a reasonable facsimile there of…….. or for embellishing an otherwise marginal news worthy press release.. 

     unlike the bowie news , i have many times expressed fear and favor… fear in particular as two-shirts mentioned cender blocks and the red river in conjunction with my blog-site… or that nice man from wal-mart dressed me down in front of all my buddies at the longhorn… favor as i wrote about the strawberry rhoan and her cantankerous canines.

     i’ve  over ruled common sense and commented on a subject that should have remained taboo !  put myself at risk to bring you the very latest up to date coverage of stories too personal to see in print anywhere else… i mis-spelled melanie’s name on at least three different occasions… told stories of chipper’s youth that put his marriage in jeapordy…

   i’ve infuriated local banking executives to the point that i can no longer borrow ten bucks on a two story house… the preacher has put my blog site on his personal prayer list… life long friends fail to recognize me in the check-out line at wal-mart….

    i’ve traveled to far away places , like turkey texas , the decatur swap-meet , greuen hall ,and the texas -o.u. baseball game in austin , to bring you indepth and not so accurate coverage of sporting events and music festivals…biased one-sided stories are my specialty… so far i’ve written four hundred and sixty plus episodes of opinionated right-wing evangelical christian republican red-neck rhetoric….

   i’m absolutely amazed that in the past year i’ve had twenty-six thousand hits on this testament of trivia….. i think someone must have hit me twice in one day…..26,855… that’s twelve more than chipper-1 had in his two week writing career….. stick a fork in him , he’s well done !  blank slate…

   hopefully i have not permanently offended any of my red-neck buddies…under-takers… democratic aquaintances .. or denominationally challenged brothers and sisters in Christ … especially those loan officers that hold the key to my economic future…. you know who you are!…

     i really love ya , one and all !….. sam , stamp-licker…. al…. big-horn.. tom… chipper…. ed…. hootie…. miller… tyson… gober… grumpy….insurance 0ne …melanie… rhoan… little sis …judges daughter…. kody…all those hamilton boys and girls…. donna… preacher scott… deacon duvall… tall and short jones…two-shirts.. little danny and the friend……coach clay….steevie o’boy…ross’es wife….fitts… terry….. the list goes on and on…. i’m proud as punch to call each of you my friends despite the occasional despersions cast upon your character while in heat of hammering out yet another mindless blog…..

     i knew i was messing up when i started naming names… inadvertently left out ol’friends like wise and wolsey… winnie.. penaluna… the houston fenotee’s… susan… sharon… the henleys…. tiny… and coutnless others who actually prefer to remain nameless rather than be associated with any posting in montague county moments..

                                                         poison pen…

   

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