Archive for April, 2008

   the turkey landowners association had a monumental problem with waste water utility lines on saturday… seems the trailer-park overseer had failed to mention to the  socially elite campers to be mindful of what they flushed down those motor home thrones…

   a big blockage occured on saturday… sewer water backed up on silk-stocking row… high maintainance queens were unable to flush all along the parkway near center stage…( unhappy wives– unhappy lives)… gray water was flowing from a particular clean-out just two doors up from two-shirts mamoth mansion… he couldn’t bear the thought of somebody elses duty ending up where his woman washes her ——- , ( minimum of five hundred gallons)…so he quickly disconnected the flex pipe from the main til the problem was solved..

    ed , being a licensed texas sewer inspector , was summoned to access the stinky situation… he glared down the four inch clean-out with an intense expression and determination to find the source of the problem….then offered up this professional imphatic diagnosis…. you’ve got a blockage !

   we were too far from home to call cookerachi.. so ed began in earnest to solve this mess once and for all… his professional reputation was at stake… after forty-five minutes of back breaking labor he finally found the source…… some high-rolling , high maintainance premadona had flushed what appeared to be a linen tablecloth down the outfall line… reeked havoc on the entire community over a red-wine stain that had soiled her  white motor-coach table cloth…  give me a break !!!

     my campsite was uneffected by this republican display of wealth and excentric disregard…. ya see , i used that port-a-jon across the alley next to the dumpster…. no flushing problems there……for the poor folks !


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welcome back waco

  those good’ol boys from waco were my favorite band… they played stuff i actually had heard since i left the farm back in the early fifties…. very little milk-cow blues… more merle and george jones… they played on the stage all day, then kept the campers up all night with dennis’s base and the steel … dancin man and peanut found these guys playing in some dive along the brazos there in waco… invited them to turkey…. what a welcome group of my kind of music….

    i  only heard them mess-up one time !  that was when the local half starved strays encroached on the turf of that tethered french poodle… right there in front of the band-stand… a dog fight broke out and the lead singer forgot the words… started laughing… guess he’d never played for a dog fight before ! but the band recovered quickly and hopefully that french poodle will too !

    they also had the best looking float in the saturday morning parade… dressed in prison stripes…. tied to a ball and chain… sheriff standing guard … while they played folsom prison blues along the length of the parade route…….. had to be the mayor’s choice … i know they were mine !


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pilot possessed

   chipper has another new toy…he’s got a bull-horn megaphone mounted on the bottom of his air assault helicopter…. each of the last two evenings just prior to twilight he flies over my house at low altitude and high speed , circles three or four times , shouting into the microphone… ” carter , come out with your hands up….. this is the hermaninator…. surrender or receive fire ! ”

   now what would your neighbors think if such an incident occured where you live ? …….. my neighbors don’t know chipper , don’t know his warped personality or his antics…. they probably stand on their back porch wondering what’s going to happen next and what is this outlaw neighbor doing to warrent such an all out air assault…..he surely must be an ax-murderer !

    walker texas ranger episodes pale in comparison to life in the flight pattern of the air-born nuisance of the  excentric ( little finger) a.k.a. chipper walker !!

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montague mime musician

   i was there when the newspaper lady from wichita falls interviewed chipper and the boys concerning their corporate empire and the turkey landowners association… chipper offered up a bribe with a couple of mr.flower’s rib-eye steaks , for a favorable mention in her syndicated column… she took the bait… wrote about half the guys in corporation , except ed and the lower eshalon..(stamp licker and kennedy ) but only the goober from graham got his picture in the article… he’s is considerably more photogenic than any of the guys from montague county.. still got hair…. and besides that , he was sober !

    i had a chance to set in on several jam sessions with my newly purchased guitar… i played with the likes of dennis and darrel from waco…. jody and jay from oklahoma city…. ed mcelvane from wichita falls… stretch and that other guy from nogalis…. and the infamous rankin and goober duet from young county…

     gober would signal me it was in the key of G… then i just strummed a gee all the way til they quit… or throw in a D for a hot-lick…. it looked great from the stands and most tone-deaf bob wills fans are in their eighties anyway… couldn’t tell where the sour notes were coming from… it was a hoot !!   i actually had two requests from nearby enthusiastic listners… they said why don’t you tune that thing or take it to tulia…  i can only assume they wanted me to play in the shade , cause they said put it where the sun don’t shine…..( my first two requests) i can’t wait to tell carolyn….

    i learned a lot of new songs…. who’s that lady with the red dress on.. some folks call her dinah… stole my heart away from me way down in louisianna………… take me back to tulsa… ida red … four or five times…. all in the key of G… G stands for groupie , or is it goober…i forget , but i had more fun than all those man-made millionaires and musicians or those bob wills fans in motorized wheel chairs…. picking my “G” and back to “D”….

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shortman motor-home

     my old pal grumpy came through with pristene accomodations and transportation , all in one package deal… he was the high bidder at the government auction on a 99 dodge prison van down at bastrop last week.. the van had previously been used to transport illegal meskins in fort worth dallas back south of the border to mexico…

   after getting the van back to stoneburg and stripping all the bars and cages out of the thing … he told sharon ” this thing would make a great motor-home for carter to take to turkey….

    they both went to work.. installed carpet , electric lights , one-ten airconditioning , folding bed with two mattresses , quilts and bedding… a table and short-man chair… ice-chest full of cokes and bottled water and a bushel basket full of snacks….. filled the thing with a hundred dollars worth of murphey’s best grade gasoline.. then called me for a free ride to turkey !

      they were’nt able to go themselves due to sharon’s recent fainting spell and subsequent heart monitor, but that didn’t dampen the spirit of the prison gang motor-home…

    i got to turkey on thursday , and parked in grumpy’s usual spot… right between two quarter million dollar diesel burning motor homes that dwarfed my humble rig… however i did have a large front and back-yard that they didn’t have , and the port-a-jon was just across the street…. first class accomodations on a begger’s budget !

    sleep came in spurts on thursday night as the montague county campers ( chipper and ed ) brought unwanted guests to take the tour of the shortman-motor-home !  making light of home boy on a budget !!  

      while looking for a place to stash my night-time urinal , plastic quart milk jug ….i found a couple of petrified burito’s and a doobie that prater missed in the clean-up,located in the back door-panel !…. gave the joint to a couple of bumpers from nogalis that were on their way to the fiddle players hall of fame…they were extremely appreciative…overly and excessively appreciative !!   asked me to join their band.. ( the pink passion playboys )

    the dodge ram (goat ) wasn’t exactly motel-six , but it was close… i’d say it was at least a five and three-quarters …and the price was appropriate…. i mooched in for the second year in a row thanks to grumpy and his child-bride !  it was great !

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turkey with wet socks

   a present check of the channel 3 radar indicates nothing short of a monsoon rain shower currently underway in downtown turkey texas… campers will be confined to the cook shack or the covered dance floor as shelter from the cow and the flat rock syndrone !  ed’s beer cooler is in grave danger of incubating black mold…

   my current plans are for a six a.m. departure … provided the rains subside during the night… the blog will remain silent probably thru the week-end , but hopefully i’ll have some breaking news on monday…

   turkey is located in cell-phone pergatory , so there has been minimal contact with the camp since they left civilization on sunday…only two-shirts a.t.&t. cell phone is operational… see ya on the flip side !

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   had a typical monday yesterday… stopped by mom’s for a short visit after work , then headed towards the capitol city for the evening meal… while traveling along 59 at the normal pace my cell phone began to ring…

   it was deacon duvall… he was talking in unpleasant tones… said ” get that hot water six over on the shoulder there bob skinner , let the traffic by , i’m trying to make a living back here ! got to deliver this load of gas to w.r. over at prarie valley and i’d like to get back before bed time ! ”  we’re stacked back here !

  i looked in the rearview , there was several cars and a gasoline transport tailgating me as though they had a deadline to keep… i pulled over to the paved shoulder despite the blind hill we were climbing… then sure enough , about the time deacon pulled up along side , we topped the hill…. there on the shoulder sat a trailer with a flat tire… he’d unloaded a fork-lift in the middle of my lane.. business picked up !

  i had to break hard to avoid ending my life for the sake of the last minute delivery of  tucker’s over priced school bus gasoline !  as the traffic cleared i signaled and pulled back in to the proper lane of traffic… heart still pounding… thankful that i had not met my Maker on the back end of a fork lift..

   i played catchup for the next four miles as duvall pushed the limits of that molatof cocktail he was driving…. then about the courthouse , the cell phone rang again… again it was the deacon….

   ” turn your blinker off back there , you’re giving old people a bad name… you’ve been signaling a left turn for the last four miles ” the conversation heated up from there !

  i’d nearly sacrificed my truck and my golden years to accomodate the ungrateful gas gouger.. and all he had for me was verbal abuse..

   if you really want to be a traffic cop , you should get a badge and a uniform like barney giaketti…. get off the cell-phone and quit trying to impose your self-righteous set of traffic laws on the rest of the population…i was just trying to conserve some of that four dollar gasoline you’re robbin the poor people on… then still in a state of shock had inadvertantly left the turn-signal blinking…

    we’ll finish this conversation over coffee in the morning…. meanwhile, slow that thing down,,,  you ain’t john force !…

    after signaling a left turn for four miles , i turned right .. headed to saint jo and out of view of officer duval’s mirror….

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