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Archive for January, 2011

Local Valentine…

 

ORDER YOUR ADVANCE COPY TODAY!
A Benchwarmer Remembers
(Bucking barrels, baseball, and rock ‘n’ roll –
an autobiographical walk down memory lane)
by Larry G. Lemons
 
If there ever was a labor of love, this is it.  Over the last 5 years, or so, I’ve been jotting down some childhood memories of growing up in Ringgold, and later Nocona, Texas, from the imaginative perspective of one who dreamed of greatness, only to find that sometimes there’s more to life.  It’s no Larry McMurtry’s “The Last Picture Show”, thank goodness!  But it does have some very funny parts, some touching and inspirational parts, some embellished parts, and some parts where the page is left blank so you can put it down and go to the bathroom or get a snack.  If you ever played Little League baseball, or if your kids, or grandkids ever did, you will enjoy this book.  If you came from humble beginnings, you will enjoy this book.  If you ever liked to daydream, you will enjoy this book.  If you know or have ever met Larry Lemons, you will enjoy this book.  I promise.
 
It will soon be available as a paperback or as a download from Lulu.com.  But for a limited time you can order a signed and numbered paperback directly from me if you order by February 15 at the latest.  I guarantee it to be entertaining and inspirational.  It will make a great gift, or it might be used to prop up the leg of an uneven chair or table.  I’ll let you decide just how to use it.
 
To place your advance pre-paid order for one or more signed and numbered copies, I need to hear from you by February 15 at the latest.  The books will also be available at select gift shop locations and some art shows in which I will participate, but I hope you will consider placing an advance order to get a signed and numbered version. 
 
MY FIRST BOOK IS AVAILABLE, AS WELL.
 
If you missed my first book, “The Texas Weedeater Massacre” (Essays of Man’s Abominable Obsession with Yardwork) you may want to order one of these, as well.
 
HERE’S HOW TO ORDER:  Advance payment is required on all orders.
 
1.  Call me on my cell phone at 940-841-4947 to let me know how many you want.  I’ll give you a total and you may then send me a check, or I can take a VISA or Mastercard over the phone. Please leave a message, if I am unable to answer immediately.
 
2.  Or e mail me back to request an order form, and I will e mail you a printable order form that you may fill out and send your check or a VISA or Mastercard number
 
THE BOOKS ARE ONLY $12 EACH. 
(Texas residents please add .99 sales tax for each book)
 
SHIPPING AND HANDLING: (when personal delivery is not possible)

 

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Shunned Shriner…

 I received an impromptu call from a disgruntled Shriner this morning…listened closely to discern his concerns through muffled sobs …. a close personal friend of fellow Shriner Ed for fifty plus years … He reported his monumental disappointment at being slighted on the invitation list for last Saturdays Moose-Fest … A thirty-year pin recipient in both the  blue-lodge and Shriners… a heavy donator to all masonic fund-drives and civic missions…yet over looked at their annual closed-door event…

   His child-bride wife lost twenty pounds especially for the occasion … purchased a new dress in anticipation for the big event .. bought a new pair of dance shoes just to be ready… Grumpy adorned his Fez and starched white shirt….. They sat patiently waiting, hand in hand on the couch all Saturday afternoon , waiting in the starting-blocks for the silent phone to ring… but the much-anticipated phone call never came according to the heart-broken well-digger from Stoneburg…. he even hired a dog-sitter for Storm….

   He’s unsure if he’s been excommunicated or secretly black-balled by his fellow mason of thirty-five years.. Ed was unavailable for comment , he’s got some splaining to do… Grumpy’s fez is indeed wilted and wasted…

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Tripple-threat ….

  Saturday night……I accidentally overheard a small table of social drinkers planning their intended domination over west-Texas bar-b-que cookers this spring… The first annual cook-off in conjunction with Bob Wills Days in Turkey Texas next April… the consolidated effort of Ed , Tucker , and Herkie … converging on unsuspecting amateurs and novice cookers from the cap-rock ..

  They were plotting and planning over chilled drinks of unidentified quality and quantity.. expounding how their combined level of talent was unapproachable by tumble-weed cookers manned only with a fifty-five gallon hearth and sage-brush for fuel.. speaking in low tones so as not to alert cousin Case-A-Beer of their culinary intentions… They witnessed his burnt-offering entry at last summers cook-off in Montague… he’s done , well done…

  Master cooker , Jay Goober has rededicated his life to music… abandoned the make-shift cook-shack for the glamor of center-stage … Rickey Lewis can’t find Turkey on the map , therefore he thinks it don’t exist… he won’t be there…

  The triple-threat team of North Texas thinks they can steal the first Bob Wills trophy despite all west texas best effort to stop’em… course they were drinking at the time !

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Benediction…

 Saturday night January 29th , just two short days before closing the book on the first month of a brand new year.. what a great memory filled day of rekindling old friendships and discovering new ones. Visiting with friends and acquaintance I do not get to see all that often. Reliving times spent in mutual laughter in memories past…

  Friends are man’s most treasured asset.. often undiscovered gems of brotherhood lurk all around us ….in order to have a plethora of good friends , you first and foremost have to be one…

  It was emphatically , undeniably great to see guys and gals that I claim among my Earthly assets as friends.. many members of the Maskat Shrine in Wichita Falls.. sprinkled with non-masonic locals of varying tenure… You all make me rich…

  Perhaps I have enjoyed my surroundings of God’s greatest creation..  (People..)  more at some other time in past history , but frankly I dont’ remember when… I had a literal blast last night… Thanks to all who humored me with casual conversation and words of wisdom , thanks to Dick Beverage and Ricky Lewis  for digestible pleasures uncommon in my daily life… Thanks Sonny , Big Chicken, and that Charles guy from the Orient , for more visual press credentials than Bill O’Reilly…. you all unknowingly provide an endless source of embellished tales of recollection and reflection.. assembled and sometimes wrongly arranged into blog/stories through the warped sence of writing creation on Montague County Moments… Thanks…

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Mixed Liquor…

  I accompanied Ed to the scene of the crime today… midmorning.. to help him and Dan sort the alcoholic remnants of last nights fiasco… a half filled ice-chest of Bud-Lite sat outside on the sidewalk in melted ice/water, the bar was lined with bottles of dead and deeply wounded soldiers.

  Half filled bottles of Brandy , whiskey , gin and an empty Grey Goose bottle marked all that remained of distilled spirits and aged barley… Ed was quick to discern the distinct aroma of pickled herring… Immediately he accused Dan of unwarranted theft and undisclosed harboring of hootch.

  Ordinarily , Dan sleeps late following a late-night event at Daddy Sams , but today he had arrived early for the assembly and sorting of mixed inventory belonging to both brothers , while Ed attended early mass with Father O’Tommy…

  Words were exchanged and the slow retrieval process began through red-faced reluctance.. Ed found it particularly peculiar that the only remaining beer was Budweiser lite… and three gallons of Crown had apparently been consumed after closing last night.. 

   Following each fifteen-minute rant by Ed , Dan would reluctantly relinquish another jug from a filing cabinet drawer or under-cabinet location… Finally Ed requested a joint look  into the locked beer-box , for search of suspected still-standing soldiers in multi-colored uniforms… Dans remorse filled face told the sad tearful story , he didn’t have the keys !… Inadvertently the bar-maid took them home.. and Dan don’t know where she lives…

  This unprecedented skinning of blood brothers , reminded me of when the shoe was on the other disadvantaged foot at the annual sausage stuffing disbursement ceremony… when Dan got three pounds of Italian sausage for four-hundred dollars of pre-arranged division by Ed…

  Neither of those local Fenotee brothers are good at math.. particularly long division…they both must be home-schooled by mutual ancestors ?

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 I was outback of Daddy Sams beer-garden patio , soaking up equal portions of smoke , coughing , conversation , and architectural wonders with the plumbers nicotine-stained friend , Bryan Holland and others…. when a newly acquired acquaintance appeared on the antiquated brick steps..introduced himself as John , a highly acclaimed instructor of music and Maskat Shriner…

   He not only specializes in instruction of musical instruments , but apparently is also an accomplished purveyor of chin-music….

  He unleashed a ten-minute dissertation on the evils of smoking to a gallery of seasoned addicts and unaccepted social smokers.. Two bewildered hackers quit right there on the spot and several more vowed to cut back tomorrow…

   Holland quit too …. he didn’t quit smoking , he just deeply inhaled and quit listening … puff puff…

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Baffled or Biffled ?

 In light of the festive ambiance and joyous mood of Maskat Shriners last night , all was NOT as joyous as things appeared on the surface… The  ” fifty a couple” price imposed at the door failed to re-coop Ed’s cost of consumed liquor , saloon lease expenses , the Dick Beverage entertainment contract , and a five-star meal prepared by the endless labor of Ricky Lewis…

  Two Legendary bank-bags stuffed with cold cash and moderately tepid checks from fraternal brothers, tallied with meticulous repetition on numerous occasions , still fell depressingly short of adult beverage cost and services consumed by Shriners at Daddy Sams…  these folks are undeniably professionals !

  While Ed was counting his meager receipts for the fifteenth time , one over-stuffed bank-bag mysteriously disappeared from the watchful focus of similarly challenged arithmetic accountants… A bag of presidential pictures walked off….vanished…

   The discarded empty bag was later found in the ladies rest-room … filled instead with naked rib-bones and a promotional pamphlet from Prevost Motor-homes ( written in German ) .. security cameras show a foggy image of a big man wearing a borrowed fedoras and dress-pants.. witnesses speak of the pungent odor of fresh orange-juice and Grey Goose Vodka..

   I’m not pointing the finger of accurate accusations , but something about that suspects description seems vaguely familiar… I’m thinking East Germany and Prevost fuel cost expectations… Ed’s  Biffled !

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