the christmas story

     you remember last year , that polymer salesman from the metro-plex brought the water-plant boys a box of omaha steaks….  six tender and succulent rib-eyes…a virtual explosion of flame-kissed cow carcass….

   we ate the contents of the  designer box , then a plan came together !….  seemed a shame to discard such a lovely box into the trash , .. and one of the water plant boys had a freezer full of deer-meat… so we arranged a few of those stinking deer-slabs in the Omaha box and gave them to ed for christmas…. he was touched at our expensive thoughtfulness…took them home and slipped in the freezer without realizing the contents….

   two weeks later he remembered the highly advertised rib-eyes and began preparation for the Omaha feast….. needless to say , he was not fooled for long…. perhaps that game-hair stuck to the steaks gave it away … perhaps the stench wafting from the box… perhaps it was the thirty-thirty hole blown through the steak… but immediately he knew that somehow four llano deer steaks had ended up in a omaha box…

   he hates deer meat with a blind passion… can’t stand the sight , smell , or taste…

  we tried explaining it was a factory related mistake… simply mislabeled remains…. he never bought it ,  then the first in a series of chicken sculptures began to appear at the ranch… it’s the season for giving !

sharing the wealth

  my good friend chipper , being the successful millionaire that he is , donated an ill-gotten c-note for distribution of groceries to the poor people of bowie.. he gave the money to me , to give to sutton ,  to give to the food foundation for derelicts and unfortunate paupers around our troubled city…

   sutton and i discussed the situation at length before deciding that was a perfect description of our co-workers…… so we did the only honorable compassionate thing to do…. we throwed a feed at the water-plant today…. baked ham and sweet potatoes…. hot rolls and green-bean casserole….  granny vacari’s home-made cream pies…… on chipper’s generous heart-felt donation …is he one of santa’s little helpers or what ?…. merry christmas you self-made millionaire , the poor people are eatin like kings at the public-job location today….  write it off !!!

chocolate covered christmas

  tis the season for the carter residence transformation…… last night immediately following our evening porridge ,  the traditional grand opening of the mystical willy wonka’s candy factory took place…. carolyn was rattling pots and pans like a symphony of kitchen utensils….  tantalizing aroma’s…. confectionery cholesterol concoctions , she’s making her annual Christmas candy….

    sumptuous boxes and bottles from candy-land ingredients lined up like soldiers on display…. brown sugar…. milk chocolate mountains……old mexico vanilla ….karo syrup …pecan-halves and shaved almonds… white chocolate… enough to tempt a die-hard nutritionist like me …

  fransis’s patented divinity… pecan fudge… chocolate covered almonds… pea-nut butter fudge ….. all temptingly arranged to cool on the counter top as i was totally banned from entry to the heavenly chocolate factory….

    i sat patiently watching from a safe distance … plotting the theft of an enticing morsel should she leave the room for a moment… or temporarily block her view of the bounty with the refrigerator door or an extended cabinet search for vanilla extract… it never happened…  she made thirty pounds of contraband candy without ever once breaking eye-contact with me….

    eventually i remembered that stash of snickers in the linen closet…. sloped off to retrieve my limited reward before retiring to the field of dreams … when i got up for the two a.m. prostate trip , the kitchen-detour disclosed the divinity had vanished… no trace that willy wonka had ever been there…… curses !

   the grand-kids will arrive on saturday and granny’s candy store will be open for business… til then  , i’ll seek sweet-tooth contentment from tootsie-rolls and an occassional baby-ruth…… baaaah humbug !

it’s over

  not much to blog today… what with the cold weather and roost capacity near maxed… depression is the better part of disaster… enclimate winter and elevated corn prices… hungry beaks to feed ….wearing a straw hat to the christmas tree …. woe is me !

chicken conspiracy

   accurate head-count stands at seventeen…..possibilities of potential perpetrators , twice that !

 this was not the demented act of a single person but a team effort of multiple individuals with both time and excess money on their chicken stained hands… no ONE person would belly-up to the cash out-lay required for both cast-iron and domesticated chickens…

   multiple breeds… multiple colors.. multiple sizes of second-monday fowl with totally feathered legs and feathered hats…. a virtual tsunami of red walser rejects….

  the initial shared cost of both prickster poultry and sheet iron replicas could easily exceed two hundred… chump change compared to the projected feed-bill for winter months that lay directly ahead at the carter ranch…to be shouldered by a single  civil servant on meager wages….bo pilgrim couldn’t feed this hungry herd !

   didn’t chipper say he was going to second-monday trade days when he left the moocher’s breakfast last saturday ? ….. didn’t tom sheepishly tell me on saturday night that more chickens were coming ? …..didn’t grumpy bid on a pen-load of  F.F.A. chickens last show ?didn’t henley find my chicken predicament particularly humorous….wasn’t herkie raised on a chicken farm ?   and danny dates that farm-girl from windthorst….all these guys are capable of fowl play , and collectively or singularly capable of funding the deal !

  the current list of suspects includes all the independently wealthy bankers and business men that have been ridiculed on the pages of this highly accurate and respected blog in recent months…    one chicken per offended subject could fill my hen-house to a depth of four feet…

  perhaps a blanket apology is in order…. i’m sorry yohee….and hoot …mr.coffee 2 and c.r.t. …. mooch and art the fart….gooober and chuck-chuck the woodchuck…. sonny or big chicken……ed notee , preacher scott…. brady o’neal or frito fred…. come get your chickens !

dominecker donation

 carolyn went out at two to feed the modest herd…. approximately fifteen head of unsolicited live chickens mysteriously appeared in my hen-house some time during the morning…. behind a closed door !…. these are not strays…. not visiting neighborhood chickens… they’re innocent victims of some prickster on an unlimited budget that forgot to leave any feed……. i surrender…….

chicken reproduction

   you dirty rotten son’s of italian momma’s.. three more sheet-iron  chickens mysteriously showed today….. there’s a limit to the prickin i’m willing to take without some sort of reprocussions…… are you listening ed ????

out-side lights……

    in the spirit of family tranquility i’ve opted out on external Christmas decorations this year…. it’s an exercise in futility….last year’s lights stored in the confines of the family garage mysteriously become tied in a series of hard knots , twists and tangles….the anti-Christ of decorations spend months entangling extension cords and light strands under the cover of darkness…

despite your best effort to store lighted rain-deer and santa’s sleigh in an organized manner , invariably the gremlin’s of out-side lights succeed in swarming anything electrical into a mass of hopeless spaghetti …

  then there’s the precarious perch on a makeshift ladder… hanging by your fingernails from the roof gutter while attempting to shoot a staple gun… either through your other thumb or the electric wire …while falling fifteen feet to a holly bush filled with thorns… none of which puts you in the yule-tide spirit….

   the search for the one malfunctioned bulb on a life-size snow-man can take days…. the wife’s endless suggestions on the proper technique used to pursue the exact location of a burned out bulb is more painful than the staple shot through your thumb or the fall from the roof on the day before…..  Biblical proportions of faith and patience are required by any disillusioned soul attempting to put up last-year’s storage building refugee lights…

   my suggestion ….don’t go there !…. save your marriage …your money … your mind… just load the kids in the s.u.v. , drive thru the neighborhood….experiencing other folk’s beautiful lights and the mental anguish endured by less fortunate husbands who’s wives decided ” let’s decorate “…..or simply drive to the state park where a team of fourteen undocumented workers spent weeks of assembly for tom’s unprecedented lavish display…..cause once new-year passes , then the reverse order of human endurance begins…. dismantle those same decorations , and return to the storage location where the gremlins of Scrooge resume their endless mission of tangles and knots…. or just leave them in place on the roof of the house….. so the whole world calls you (red-neck) ! ….  it’s a no-win situation…

flu-shot testimonial

 chipper made the fifty mile voyage to the wichita jester convention last night…. full tuxedo with ruffled blouse and spandex cumberbun…. what a sight !… endangered species of elderly rotund penguins !…

  he was a picture of health when he left nocona around four on saturday…. but the next 12 hours weren’t kind …. he was drinking crown and more crown (colorful drinks ) from an apparent contaminated community bottle… he contracted the flu ! ….got sick from a whiskey resistant strain of the detrimental intestinal flu….

  the twenty-four hour bug rendered him incoherent… temporarily paralyzed… and verbally combative !… it was worse than the H1N1… near fatal… good thing he was wearing that burial suit , he almost needed it ! …. fourteen hours of uninterrupted sleep has failed to restore his will to live ……

  sunday was a perfectly beautiful day… clear skies and sunshine…a great day for flying or golf….. unless you were the unfortunate blue-lodge mason living inside chipper’s flu stricken body !… he’s deathly sick !

Japanese Christmas

silent night… glorious night….delightfully wonderful extravagant night… all is calm , all is bright….round yon fillet mignot….

  it was the annual City of Bowie Christmas party at O’Neals Steak-House…. budget restraints prompted the dutch-treat Christmas for loyal employee’s of the financially strapped city…you eat….you pay !

  ordinarily Carolyn and I tend to order from the last page of tom’s extravagantly priced menu , but after all , it’s Christmas… so we both ordered like two-shirt’s and jan on pay-day…. bring me the fillet and my lovely bride will sample the shrimp….. margaretta’s and cheese-cake for all… it was great !

   my old pal Henley and his duo of beautiful women , seated at the opposite end of the building…..thinking i’d surely had my usual cheesburger and two plates to share , told our most gracious dining assistant (Kendra)… that he’d pick up our tab ! ….(merry christmas )

  tis the season to be shafted for my friend henley and those uncommonly attractive women at his table…. Carolyn and I ate like royalty and Henley got the ticket….   God is good and billy’s walking lighter….. Merry Christmas to all the Henley’s from the over-stuffed and extremely appreciative Carter’s….. Thanks !  Christmas is great back here behind the log , for a man with a holiday smile and extremely large yule-tide chicken !